Resolve
by Hi
Summary: Buffy's thoughts during Weight of the World. Rewritten final draft. Feedback welcome.


Resolve

Resolve

Disclaimer:"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and all related characters are the creations of Joss Whedon.

Continuity:Buffy's thoughts during her coma in "The Weight of the World." 

Authors Note:This is a repost: I accidently posted the rough draft instead of my final copy the first time. 

I can't deal with this again.I won't deal with this again.

I killed my sister.

I'm supposed to be the hero,I'm supposed to be strong.But I couldn't do a damn thing to stop Glory from taking her and I've failed and now it's all gone to hell.Yeah, I'm real strong alright, a regular superhero.The world's in danger (again) and I can't even get out of my own head.

Dracula flashes an aristocratic smirk:"The famous killler."

It's been a while since I fought one that didn't know me.I don't like being famous.It means I've been at this way too long.Saved the world six or seven times, which is fine so far as that goes.Except it's never enough.Mom . . .Tara . . .Dawn . . . .god, even those stupid Knights,I couldn't save them, nothing I could do: Glory cut through them in seconds, I don't think I've seen so much blood in one place before.

I can't take it anymore.I won't take it anymore.

I killed my sister.

This is it, this is the last one.Glory will kill me, how else can it end? She's a God for crying out loud, and I don't care anymore, I quit, I'm done, it's over. Just leave me alone and let someone else save the world for once if it's so fucking important, I don't care anymore except . . .

Dawn sounds so frightened."Buffy?What's wrong with Mom?"

How can I give up on Dawn?I don't know how I could . . .no, that's not true.We don't talk about it, neither of us has, but we both know the doctor said that radiation was a possible cause of the tumor, and Mom, from what I've been able to figure out she didn't start to show symptoms until _after the monks created Dawn. . .__No._

I can't blame her.I won't blame her.

I killed my sister.

It's my fault anyway: she's just a blob of energy, I'm the one with the superpowers.I'm the one who's strong, that's why they sent her to me.To protect her.I'm supposed to be a hero.I'm supposed to be strong. Strong?

The First Slayer's eyes meet mine: "Death is your gift."

Willow's in here now.She wants to talk to me, wants to pull me out: they need me to be strong for them again, to save the world again.I just want to scream at her: "Do it yourself damnit, I'm tired."

I can't do it anymore.I won't do it anymore.

I killed my sister.

It's been a while since I've fought one that didn't know me. The vampires are all afraid of me now, they think I'm so strong.It didn't used to be that way: they saw a regular girl, lunch.How sad is it that the only way I got treated like I was normal was when some monster tried to kill me?Now I don't even get that.

Willow's still talking.I should probably listen to what she has to say" . . . Buffy you've carried the weight of the world on yourshoulders since high school. . .."

I just want to be a little girl again, with a mommy and a daddy who love me and a little sister I can take care of without having to worry about vampires and monsters and whether or not the world's going to end tonight . . .and if I keep this up it'll be my fault and I honestly don't care about that at all.I'm just so fucking tired of having to be strong all the time. I quit.I'm done, it's over, I don't care anymore.Except . . ..

Dawn.

I can't do it anymore . . . it's been a while . . . I killed my sister . . . I don't care . . . Dawn. . . I'm supposed to be strong.

Okay, Willow, I'm coming.But not because it's the right thing, because the world depends on it, not even for you Will, as much as I love you and all the others too.

For Dawn.

Because as tough as I'm supposed to be, I'm not strong enough to lose her too.No one can ask me to be that strong.

I can't lose her.I won't lose her.

I can be strong for my sister. I will be strong for my sister.

Even if it kills me.


End file.
